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Following Florida’s recent ban on certain courses that were deemed “too woke,” school curricula statewide are starting to look very different from those in the rest of the country. Luckily, these Florida classes provide a more than sufficient education for real Americans, and offer instruction in a broad variety of subjects.
Psychology
Now that A.P. psychology courses have been banned, Florida schools will provide an alternative, teaching students how to recognize various disorders such as Queerness, Being Trans, the Woke-Mind Virus, or the mental illness that affects millions: General Liberalism Disorder.
African American Studies
In Florida’s new African American-studies class, students will learn how, after agreeing to enjoy the benefits of working on Southern plantations for their benevolent bosses, enslaved people were able to cheerfully luxuriate and engage in a variety of fulfilling outdoor activities, eventually becoming so prosperous that they took over, and came to rule the South with an iron fist.
Math
As certain math textbooks needed to be banned last year owing to their references to critical race theory and multicultural learning, Florida students can now finally take a math course without any ideological bias, memorizing the order of operations with the helpful acronym PEMDAS: Patriots Each Must Defend American Society.
Biology
Want to study things like Punnett squares, photosynthesis, and taxonomy? Well, that’s unfortunate, because Florida’s new biology classes exclusively teach two immutable facts: that there are only two genders, and that some races are predisposed to being superior to others. The final project for this course requires students to present their own research on the COVID vaccine.
English
Florida’s new English classes offer students a comprehensive education in American literature as they read, discuss, and write essays on the only two remaining books that haven’t been banned: “Atlas Shrugged” and Ron DeSantis’ autobiography.
History
This course is just chanting “U.S.A!” for an hour straight.
Spanish
With Florida’s updated curriculum, students are welcome to take Spanish, but any student who receives an A in this class will be immediately reported to ICE.
Public Speaking
There are no “safe spaces” in this crash course on how to straight-up tell it like it is, no matter who gets offended. Whether they’re raving about trans people, roasting snowflakes for liking oat milk, or engaging in the classic discourse of making fun of women, students will finally be able to own the libs. Don’t get triggered, and leave your pronouns at the door.
Environmental Science
This class is famously easy, as it’s graded pass-fail and the only requirement for passing is agreeing that everything is totally fine with the environment and asserting that anyone who believes differently is being paid by the deep state. (Sponsored by ExxonMobil.)
Journalism
Teachers will instruct on the malleability of “facts” and how to manipulate truth to garner the greatest possible outrage. Find out how to incite moral panic over otherwise inconsequential morsels of pop culture, such as which movie characters are Black and which brands are too woke. Grades will be administered based on students’ ability to perpetuate xenophobia while keeping all hate speech subtextual.
Geography
Students will learn the capitals of all the Confederate states, and will be educated on which of the countries inferior to America should be categorized as Good Countries, Bad Countries, and Countries That Deserved What We Did. Graduates of this course will have the ability to draw the United States’ strong borders.
Philosophy
Learn to debate like a pro, through techniques employed by the great philosophers of our era Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson: circular arguments, miscontextualized data, and, in a pinch, outright lying. Students will hone the ability to logically deny the existence of racism, and even argue the pros and cons of genocide.
Civics
This course is designed to help students become model, law-abiding citizens in today’s society. Key chapters from the textbook include “Strongly Worded E-mails and Other Alternatives to Protesting,” “Choosing How to Vote Between the Republican Party and the Bad Guys,” “Why the Supreme Court Should Have Even More Power,” and “How to Sacrifice Yourself and Others for the Needs of the Economy.”
Physical Education
Students will learn the value of staying active as they train on outdoor obstacle courses. (This class is a prerequisite for mandatory conscription into the official school militia.)
Home Economics
Only female students are allowed to take this course, in which they are educated in how to cook, clean, and be demure for their future husbands. They will also learn methods of child-rearing by pretending that a sack of flour is their baby—feeding it, changing its diaper, and teaching it how to shoot a gun.
Drama
Students will train in acting, movement, and dance as they prepare to perform scripted pieces such as “The Birth of a Nation.” They will also be offered the opportunity to explore their imaginations through writing and improv, reënacting key moments of the Civil War if the South had won.
Sex Education
Just kidding! Obviously there is none. ♦
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