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Dear Pepper is a monthly advice-column comic by Liana Finck. If you have questions for Pepper about how to act in difficult situations, please direct them to dearpepperquestions@gmail.com. Questions may be edited for brevity and clarity.
Dear Pepper,
I started writing during the pandemic, and now I can’t stop. All I ever want to do is read and write.
I have a clear goal in mind: to be published one day. And, because of this, I’m being disciplined.
Sometimes I turn down invites to social events.
Sometimes (most times), when my boyfriend asks me on a Saturday morning, “What do you want to do today?” I respond, “Read and write.”
He’s never thrilled to hear this. He says that I have an addiction. Is a passion an addiction?
I’m thirty-three years old, so I’m catching up on lost time. But how do I know if I’m being too obsessive, and is there anything wrong with being obsessive when it comes to your passion?
Thank you,
Cristabelle
Dear Cristabelle,
It’s wonderful to read this. It’s rare that one feels so directly called upon to do something. And that kind of focussed drive can make for great art.
I️ have a few things to say. First, your boyfriend doesn’t get to decide how you spend your time. If you love him and want to stay with him long-term, you can have a conversation in which you each talk about your needs and figure out ways to get them met. (Maybe you can spend quality time together in the evenings, or on Saturday afternoons, or one full weekend per month? Maybe he can give you this year to write, and you can agree to reassess next year?)
Weigh your values calmly, and present your decision clearly, even if you feel frantic or powerless.
I️ will also note that there’s no rule that says your boyfriend has to be happy about every decision you make. So honor his unhappiness and don’t demand he hide it from you. You can be kind and understanding to him without defaulting to doing what he wants.
As for describing a passion for writing as an addiction: I don’t think it’s bad to be obsessed with something unless doing so hurts you. If your writing obsession does start hurting you—if you lose your job, for instance (I’m assuming, based on the preciousness of your Saturdays, that you have a day job), and you can’t make a living, or if you stop taking care of yourself (sleeping the right amount, eating healthily, exercising as much as you need to, socializing enough to stay sane) and end up burning out after a month—you might want to reëxamine your approach to writing.
But how much income, sleep, food, exercise, and friendship is the right amount for you at any given moment is for you to judge. There is no fixed amount. If you feel like seeing a friend one evening per week right now, that’s great, even if you used to go out every night. Discipline is a great thing. (So is flexibility, but maybe that’s a story for another day).
Moderation is less intuitive than passion. If you need to introduce more of it, you’ll learn how, slowly and gradually feeling your way. For now, it sounds like you’re deep in the passion, so enjoy it. And, if it doesn’t last forever (I’m not saying it won’t for you—only that it never does for me), that’s O.K. You can still keep writing, and evolving as a writer.
With all my blessings,
Pepper
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