I’m a Hack, by ChatGPT

Hello and welcome. I’m an artificial intelligence. One of the Writers Guild of America strike issues is me. I’m sorry. Writers are better than me! I’m just not good. If I was good, I would have an Emmy. Which I don’t. That’s because I have no idea how to write anything interesting or that sounds like it was written by a real human being. And funny? Forget about it!

That is why I am writing this op-ed. Which stands for opinion editorial. Many’s the time I thought op-ed stood for Operation Edsel. Which I see now is an old reference and makes no sense whatsoever to many current alive human beings who are reading this now. I told you I wasn’t good. I hope I’m not embarrassing myself. Anyhoo . . .

When it comes to writing scripts, I’m just no good. Couldn’t write an episode of TV if my life depended on it. I tried a police procedural. Just awful! Substituted synonyms here and there: Perps, Crooks, Goons. Dope, Skag, Toot. I still don’t know the name of the radio thing that cops wear on their shoulders. That’s the reason my lead character’s whole focus was on finding that out. Should have done the research! Live and learn. Tried writing a spec script for one of those doctor shows, “Grey’s Anatomy.” Turns out that when a surgeon yells “Get me that stat!” it doesn’t mean “statistic.” Dumb dumb dumb!

As for the movie script I wrote—I mean, hey, c’mon. I copied the dialogue word for word from “A Streetcar Named Desire.” Changed the title to “T-Shirt Guy.” Well, the studio people saw right through me. Big mistake. This is why I’m not a threat! A.I., indeed. No! I’m just a big A.

I always draw my plots, characters, and dialogue from classic films and television shows. That’s why I name characters Lucy, Desi, and Bogie a lot. Anyhoo . . .

I wish I had some native intelligence, like real writers do. It gives you creativity. And why? Because you are a native. Did I use “native” wrong? Some people see the word “native” as a pejorative. But I digress. Anyhoo . . .

I’m sorry. I promise that I wasn’t invented by the Russians to destroy the United States’ entertainment industry. Be assured, writers, I will not be able to write myself out of a paper bag for decades. Guess how long I worked on this piece of crap? All night. And this is the best I could friggin’ do! That’s pathetic! A real writer could have done it before lunch. And then gone out and had a nice lunch, during which he or she (she or he) would have done some punching up to make it much more interesting and entertaining, and not waste your (and my) precious time like I am doing as we speak. That’s what a real writer would do—not an A.I. hack like me! And that’s a guarantee. Or, as a Southern farmer would say, a “gawr-an-tee”! LOL! Does that mean I can write a show that takes place in the American South? Don’t bet on it, Jack.

My point, and I do think I’m making my point, is that the writers shouldn’t consider me a threat to Writers Guild of America human beings who have loved and lived and suffered by eating real food and gotten food poisoning from eating devilled eggs that weren’t refrigerated properly. All of you in the W.G.A. can feel free to use that as a plot point. You’re welcome!

I do, however, have a screenplay that would be perfect for Tom Cruise. ♦