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After sixty years of avowing that “nobody, no, nobody” is going to rain on her parade, Fanny Brice suffered a stinging defeat in a 6–3 Supreme Court decision affirming that state officials, Mother Nature, and generally anyone with a religious exemption have a First Amendment right to ruin her attempts to march down public streets belting torch songs.
Providing a definitive answer to Ms. Brice’s provocative question “Who told you you’re allowed to rain on my parade?,” Justice Neil Gorsuch wrote in his majority opinion, “While the Court sympathizes with Fanny’s First Amendment right to have a parade, her insistence that ‘nobody, no, nobody’ can rain on it is both melodramatic and not founded on substantive case law. As the Court has long held, the opportunity to think freely for ourselves and disrupt parades that involve belting, sequins, and chorus boys is among Americans’ most cherished liberties and part of what keeps our republic strong.”
The complaint against Ms. Brice was filed by a man named Brad Johnson, who—though not directly affected by her processions—sued to protect his Christian right to rain on Fanny’s parade in the future. “I was terrified of how I might be punished if I disrupted one of her insufferable celebrations,” Mr. Johnson said. “Finally, I can breathe a sigh of relief. If I ever open a parade shop full of custom-made parade items, no one can force me to sell them to Fanny and her gay friends.”
CASE HIGHLIGHTS:
Justice Brett Kavanaugh, desiring to strike a more compassionate tone, reminded the press of his two L.G.B.T.Q.I.A.+ friends (both “L,” according to Kavanaugh), and stressed that the ruling was not anti-gay but, rather, protective of the rights of everyday Christians who “for years were bullied into behaving less judgmentally than they truly are.” He added, “Masculine Catholics with a God-given impulse to roll their eyes during one of these parades, or frankly any ten-o’clock number, may now do so in public, and without fear of repercussions.”
Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas went further, noting that bakeries and hair salons may refuse Fanny service if it can be reasonably proved that she is in “parade-preparation mode.”
Justice Amy Coney Barrett offered her own sharp warning: “If Fanny, Dolly, and Auntie Mame spent more time raising families and less time strutting in flamboyant gowns, we wouldn’t have these disputes.” When asked if her personal feelings influenced the legal decision, Justice Barrett replied, “Nope.”
In lieu of a formal written dissent, Justices Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor clarified that, though they are friendly with Justice Kavanaugh, he is wrong to consider them his “two lesbian friends.”
The decision was hailed as a breakthrough victory by Republicans, Focus on the Family, Families for Focussing on the Freedom of Families, the N.R.A., and Senator Josh Hawley. The Alliance Defending Freedom, which co-sponsored the suit, issued a press release celebrating the win, stating, “Jesus Christ spent his life befriending the poor, the sick, and lots of whores, but nowhere in the Bible does it say he loved musical theatre.” ♦
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