When I Win the Lottery

When I win the lottery, I will wave my winning ticket in the face of anyone who ever dared doubt my plan to hit it big—especially that one teacher who always accused me of having too much potential to rely on luck alone.

When I win the lottery, I will quit my job, even though it’s not “work” to me because I do what I love and also I’m unemployed.

When I win the lottery, I will cage-fight Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, and any other fellow rich guy who wants a piece of me (or just take the easy route and skip town, but not before flirting with the beautiful robo-ring girls).

When I win the lottery, I will rent whatever studio apartment I want—maybe even a one-bedroom.

When I win the lottery, I will invest in the one thing in this world that’s truly priceless: stocks.

When I win the lottery, I will spread the wealth by founding a school that teaches kids how to win the lottery. (I’m pretty sure you just have to buy a bunch of tickets?)

When I win the lottery, I will pay certain people to forget every embarrassing thing that I’ve ever done. They know who they are, and they’d better act fast, because who knows how long a few hundred million will last me, especially once I get into “bribe-zilla” mode.

When I win the lottery, I will give my parents money to leave the kitchen light on as long as they want—that way, we can finally call it even on them raising me.

When I win the lottery, I will hire the world’s best scientists to determine if money is edible. Obviously, I’ll be the one snacking on tasty Benjamins, but they can do the research. (I believe that’s called being a job creator?)

When I win the lottery, I will self-publish a book about my successes titled “Make Your Own Luck,” and star in the film adaptation, and single-handedly fill all the seats in the theatre on opening night, if scientists are where they should be on cloning by then.

When I win the lottery, I will powerfully suggest that it’s in the best interest of the scientists who aren’t busy with cloning and money-eating research to look into doing things to make the world a better place, even if it’s just building an app that tells the super-rich how to avoid plebeians, or at least tolerate them when they’re delivering our chandeliers and injecting us with the blood of youths. That’s actually a great idea—I’ll do that, then run for President. Guess who already needs a vacation to space?

When I win the lottery, the universe will be mine.

When I win the lottery, I will buy another ticket right away. Sorry if this sounds greedy, but who knows how long I’ll have the hot hand? And everyone knows that good things come in pairs.

When I win the lottery a second time, I will continue to play the lottery, but only for fun. If I find that my luck’s run out, I’ll try not to feel too bad for myself, and will focus on all of the good times I had, like when I beat up Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg.

When I win the lottery a third time, I will retire at the top of my game, pay some of that robo-alimony, and—well, let’s not jinx it. ♦