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What’s up, patricians? It’s your boy Jasoninus Titus Clearianus, comin’ at ya live from Ephesus with not VI, not IX, but a whopping XII reasons why we should be ignoring those newfangled Arabic numerals and sticking to the I, II, and III of our forebears. So, without further ado, let’s dive in. [IV-minute read.]
I. What even are Arabic numerals?
2? 3? 54? What are these stupid symbols? I’m confused. I, V, X, and L, on the other hand—they’re familiar. That’s nice.
II. Addition is a cinch.
To those who argue that adding Roman numerals is hard: you’re dumb. Wanna combine X and V? Just mash ’em together. XV—boom. How hard was that? As for longer numbers, like XLV and VIX—that’s easy, too. Just carry the L and subdivide according to the tables provided by your local proconsul.
III. Multiplication and long division.
Multipli-what? Long divisi-who? Who needs those fancy formulas, anyway? Maybe you losers should spend less time playing with numbers and more time threshing grain and/or chiselling marble.
IV. Elegance in speech.
Roman numerals are elegant to throw around in conversation, e.g., “I’ve asked you vee (V) times not to keep the priestesses waiting,” or, “I’ve slept with eye-eye (II) people in my entire life.” It’s more natural.
V. Elegance in writing.
“Our quarterly flax earnings are up LXVI percent, down XIV from MDXXVII.” Clean, clear, professional.
VI. The bigger the number, the longer it is.
4,708 sounds small. Puny, even. But MMMMDCCVIII? That shows me how big this number is. Maybe the biggest?
VII. No pesky decimals.
Decimals are for scribes who have nothing better to do than make up things like 7.5 aqueducts or 3.25 wars. But if you’re a general, senator, or magistrate, like most of us, that’s getting a bit too in the weeds.
VIII. Order tells you whether to add or subtract.
VI is V+I while IV is V-I. Now try that in your stupid math. 21 is . . . 2+1? No! 12 is 1-2? False! See, it just doesn’t work.
IX. Zero is easily the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.
“Hey, guys, you know what we’re missing? A number that represents the absence of numbers. You know, like, something, but it means absolutely nothing?” What?
X. VII symbols are more efficient than IX symbols (X if we’re counting zero LOL).
I, V, X, L, C, D, M. See? That’s all you need to create every number under the sun (all the way up to MMMMDCCVIII). 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 . . . I’m bored already.
XI. Plagiarism, methinks?
People think that these squiggly-ass digits are sooo original. But take a closer look and you’ll see good, old-fashioned Roman ingenuity at work. 1? Clearly a ripoff of I. 3? Backwards “E,” for real. 5? Yeah, that’s an “S” trying to cover its tracks. They even rip themselves off! Turn a 6 upside down and you’ll have all the evidence you need.
XII. Numbers are letters, and letters are numbers. End of story.
We’ve already got the alphabet. It gives us everything we need. But no—not good enough for these fancy-pants mathematicians who need their own set of characters just to feel special. What’s next, a sign that means “is equal to”?
Conclusion:
I could probably come up with another DCCCLXXXIX reasons why Arabic numerals eat Neptune’s you-know-whats for breakfast, but you get the idea.
Ditch the fad, folks. Rome always wins. ♦
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